Patience

A week ago I was optimistic about finally being able to regain some control of my life. Since moving, getting married and giving birth, my lifestyle has not exactly been the same. That is not to say that I am worse off than before. It is just to say that now I am different.

Everyday I am learning to live with and embrace that difference. Some days are harder than others but most days are peaceful days, love-filled days, memory-making days. Even if those days are sandwiched in the middle of dirty diapers, laundry, spit up, washing dishes, cooking dishes, a crying infant and the daily trash.

On occasion a part of me will yearn for something that is just for me. A little reminder of the casual freedom of a previous life. So, thinking that somehow I had the time for it, I finally opened up an oDesk account. I was going to be a freelancer, part-time employee, worker-from-home and an income-generator for my family. I was going to matter again.

Sure I'm alone at home with the baby all day every day and I have a house to maintain and a husband to care for but there must be a space in there somewhere for me, right? If I look closely at the rhythm of the day for me and my son, I can probably find the extra 2 or 4 hours I needed to be socially productive. 2 or 4 hours out of 24 hours is such a small thing to ask.

Or is it?

Yesterday my son and I couldn't get through his bath in peace. Wet and wailing, I was forced to scoop him up in my arms in an attempt to calm him. I struggled to towel him down but ended up probably drying him mostly with my shirt. And at night he spent so much time crying in my arms, I started crying too. I made my husband skip gym because I needed someone to relieve me of baby duty.

Then there is today. Today he is quiet. At the moment he is asleep. My household is at peace and I have time to sit at my computer and write. Maybe I do have my window of productivity. But this morning, he gave me a gummy smile as his tiny little hands reached for my face. Today I watched him crawl, stare and intently study the world around him, infinitely curious about all he could hear and see. Today I sang nursery rhymes to a lone audience member who doesn't mind that at most times mommy is out of tune.

And I think to myself, "maybe it can wait... maybe the job can wait..."

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Work-Life Balance

Early this year, after almost 15 years of running the rat race, and climbing up the corporate ladder, I jumped off the ladder altogether. My title changed from "Senior Manager" to "Home Manager" and eventually got promoted to "Stay-at-Home Mom".

Despite what it sounds like, staying at home does not equate to bumming around. There is always, always, something that needs to be done. The dishes, the meals, the laundry, the cleaning, the organizing, the washing... add to that the baby's bathing, feeding, changing, burping, cuddling & carrying. I realize that keeping house is just as busy and just as time-consuming as a regular 9-to-5 job.

A lot of mothering books tell you that it's easy to lose yourself in the routine of caring for a home and a child. They remind mothers to take time off for themselves, to be the women they were before this other calling took hold of them. To nurture themselves as much as they nurture their family.

In that sense, even SAHM's need work-life balance. Sure, the work is slightly different now, but the need for a life doesn't change.

It doesn't even have to come in the form of anything grand, like vacations, or causes or altruistic projects. Anything new and different can be refreshing.

In my case, it was just being able to try a new recipe.

With a 2-mo. old around, it's hard to spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Prep work takes more time now as I do it in between looking after my son. (Dinner preps start as early as 3pm and can end as late as 6pm, with everything getting done in stages.) But thankfully, I have a mother who moonlights as Mary Poppins. After a 2-week hiatus in the Philippines, she heard my distress call and is back to spend (another) 2-months with us. By being able to share baby duties, I have a little more time to experiment with dinner.

After months of wanting to, I got to revisit my recipe/scrap book. By no means was I making a gourmet meal. But it  is certainly liberating to cook with the peace of mind of knowing my son wouldn't be neglected and dinner didn't have to take a whole day to make.

Presenting... Thai Chicken Bites. (Thank you Wenkgirl for the recipe.)

Step 1: dredge

Fully coated and ready for frying

The final product.

At this point, it's not even about the taste, just about the fact that I can.  

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Slow progress

One week after my last post, even with my mom now around helping me out, finding time to sit down and write has not gotten easier.

Just goes to show that I am living on borrowed time. Borrowed from a tiny little emperor that packs a powerful pair of lungs, a demanding feeding schedule and loves being held to sleep.

Sige na baby, pagbigyan mo naman si mommy....

:)

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A mommy tale

I am willing to bet that there are days in every mother's life when the responsibility of motherhood becomes a heavy burden to bear. I have only been a mother for a little over 9wks and I've had those moments already.

Two nights ago was one of them.

It was late, I hadn't showered or eaten and my son was having a cling-y moment, refusing to be put down in his crib, his rocker, the bed, the floor or on the sofa. He wanted to be carried, he wanted to be rocked, he wanted mommy to dance with him around the room non-stop. In fact, he wouldn't even let mommy sit down. Because the moment she did, he would scrunch up his face and whimper. A tell-tale sign that crying was soon to follow.

Hungry, tired and at the edge of my patience, I put him down on his crib despite his protests. I made sure there was nothing nearby he could grab or could hurt him and then I did what no mommy wants to do, I left him. I went downstairs, prepared my dinner plate and I started to eat.

I ate to the sound of my son's escalating cries. From the baby monitor, I could see that he was safe. I knew he wasn't hungry (we had just finished nursing), he wasn't cold or too warm, and he hadn't soiled himself. But I could also see that he was unhappy being up there alone. To be honest, I wasn't happy downstairs either. But it was either be unhappy eating, or be driven mad with the crying.

My husband was out late that night and I ate while constantly looking at the driveway willing him to finally come home. I needed someone to either take baby and stop his crying, or at least tell me that I wasn't being a bad mommy for wanting 15mins of relative peace.

By the time I was done and took him again, he had tears in his eyes and sipon running down his nose. Sigh.

A few minutes of soothing, kisses, rocking and singing later he had fallen asleep, head against my chest, his favorite position with me. I like to think it's because he can listen to my heartbeat.

A few more minutes later, daddy comes home and takes him from me. Finally I could shower.

One day down. A lifetime ahead.

Hello, Stacey. Welcome to motherhood.

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backlog

It has been almost a year since my last entry.

A lot happens in a span of almost 12 months. If I were deluded enough to believe that there are readers of this blog who don't know me personally, then I would probably try go through a brief backstory of the last few months.

But I'm not deluded. :P

Plus, I know myself and although I would have the intention, I would never be able to condense the recent events into a blog entry. Mostly because there has just been so much. And partly because I'm a lazy type person, I am.

So, let me tell the story in two pictures:

Big Event #1

Big Event #2

In between Event #1 and Event #2 were mini events. All exciting, meaningful and memorable. Each worthy of a blog entry, if I had ever gotten around to it. And it's not even over yet. Right now I'm in the midst of preparing for Event #3, which is really just a variation of Event #1, if you think about it.

The one thing I am sure about is that my life is no longer the same.

Hopefully,I can take you on the journey with me.

Now if you'll excuse me, Event #2 is asking for attention.

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