Patience

A week ago I was optimistic about finally being able to regain some control of my life. Since moving, getting married and giving birth, my lifestyle has not exactly been the same. That is not to say that I am worse off than before. It is just to say that now I am different.

Everyday I am learning to live with and embrace that difference. Some days are harder than others but most days are peaceful days, love-filled days, memory-making days. Even if those days are sandwiched in the middle of dirty diapers, laundry, spit up, washing dishes, cooking dishes, a crying infant and the daily trash.

On occasion a part of me will yearn for something that is just for me. A little reminder of the casual freedom of a previous life. So, thinking that somehow I had the time for it, I finally opened up an oDesk account. I was going to be a freelancer, part-time employee, worker-from-home and an income-generator for my family. I was going to matter again.

Sure I'm alone at home with the baby all day every day and I have a house to maintain and a husband to care for but there must be a space in there somewhere for me, right? If I look closely at the rhythm of the day for me and my son, I can probably find the extra 2 or 4 hours I needed to be socially productive. 2 or 4 hours out of 24 hours is such a small thing to ask.

Or is it?

Yesterday my son and I couldn't get through his bath in peace. Wet and wailing, I was forced to scoop him up in my arms in an attempt to calm him. I struggled to towel him down but ended up probably drying him mostly with my shirt. And at night he spent so much time crying in my arms, I started crying too. I made my husband skip gym because I needed someone to relieve me of baby duty.

Then there is today. Today he is quiet. At the moment he is asleep. My household is at peace and I have time to sit at my computer and write. Maybe I do have my window of productivity. But this morning, he gave me a gummy smile as his tiny little hands reached for my face. Today I watched him crawl, stare and intently study the world around him, infinitely curious about all he could hear and see. Today I sang nursery rhymes to a lone audience member who doesn't mind that at most times mommy is out of tune.

And I think to myself, "maybe it can wait... maybe the job can wait..."